


Feferi Won't Kill You, I Promise!

by WitchTiara



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Ashen Romance | Auspistice, F/M, Karkat's romance lectures, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-06
Updated: 2014-07-06
Packaged: 2018-02-07 17:56:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1908402
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WitchTiara/pseuds/WitchTiara
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John accidentally offers to auspisticize Karkat and Feferi.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Feferi Won't Kill You, I Promise!

**Author's Note:**

> And this is not part of Fifty Shades of Ashen, it's just something I wrote like eighteen months ago.

CG: HELLO, YOU ENORMOUS PIECE OF SHIT.  
EB: hi again!  
CG: HOW ABOUT I MAKE A RULE. NO TALKING IN A FRIENDLY MANNER. WE ARE NOT FRIENDS. FRIENDSHIP IS NOT WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE.  
EB: i think you'll find that it is!  
CG: NO. NO WAY IN HELL AM I MAKING FRIENDS WITH YOU.  
EB: you don't have a choice. you have already become my friend in your future past, so we must be friends or otherwise face a paradox!  
CG: MAYBE I WILL HAVE BEEN ONLY PRETENDING TO BE YOUR FRIEND TO MAKE YOU BELIEVE THAT I LIKE YOU, SO AS TO SET MY PAST SELF UP FOR YOUR ANNOYING, MEANINGLESS DRIVEL. DID YOU CONSIDER THAT?  
EB: not really.  
EB: but i still doubt it!  
CG: UGH.  
CG: OH, HOLD ON.  
CG: I SHALL CONTINUE TROLLING YOUR PATHETIC, MISERABLE ASS AFTER I GET RID OF THIS GIRL.  
EB: ooh, who is it?  
CG: IT'S NO ONE.  
EB: i don't think you were talking to an empty client. tell me who she is!  
CG: FINE, SHE'S...  
CG: REMEMBER HOW I TOLD YOU THAT MUCH OF MY CULTURE IS BASED ON BLOOD COLOR?  
EB: actually, no.  
CG: WELL, I WILL TELL YOU, THEN.  
CG: AND SHE'S A TYRIAN BLOOD, ON THE VERY TOP, FUTURE...  
CG: SHE WOULD HAVE BEEN FUTURE EMPRESS IF WE HADN'T BEEN A BUNCH OF IDIOTS AND START PLAYING SGRUB.  
EB: sgrub?  
CG: SBURB, YOU IGNORAMUS.  
CG: NOW, SHE SORT OF HAS THIS CRUSH ON ME...  
EB: ooh!  
CG: SHUT UP.  
CG: AND OF COURSE IT'S A HATECRUSH. SHE'S ALREADY DITCHED PRINCE FINFACE FOR SOLLUX, SO I GUESS I SHOULDN'T BE TOO SURPRISED THAT SHE WANTS TO FILL A QUADRANT WITH ME.  
EB: um...  
CG: YOU AREN'T GETTING ANY OF THIS, ARE YOU?  
EB: not really.  
EB: so she hates you? but still likes you?  
CG: UGH. YOUR STUPIDITY IS SO MASSIVE THAT IT COULD COLLAPSE AT ANY MOMENT AND FORM A BLACK HOLE.  
CG: YES, SHE HATES ME. I DON'T REALLY HATE HER. THAT'S THE PROBLEM.  
CG: AND THAT'S WHY I HAD TO GET RID OF HER.  
EB: oh! haven't you told her how you feel?  
CG: THIS IS WHY WE WILL NEVER BE FRIENDS. YOU ARE A MORON AND YOUR ADVICE SUCKS. I CAN'T JUST TELL HER TO FUCK OFF THE SAME WAY I CAN TELL ERIDAN TO. IT TAKES FINESSE TO TURN DOWN ANY KISMESIS, AND A HIGHBLOOD LIKE HER IS PARTICULARLY STRONG. HAVE YOU SEEN HER TAKE ON GIANT OGRES WITH HER 2X3DENT?  
EB: umm...  
CG: YEAH, DIDN'T THINK SO.  
CG: I CAN'T JUST TELL A GIRL LIKE THAT TO SET HER SPADE ON SOMEONE ELSE. SHE'D KILL ME.  
EB: *folds hands and looks intently across desk*  
EB: how serious are you when you say she'll kill you?  
CG: OK, SHE'S NOT...  
CG: SHE MIGHT ACTUALLY KILL ME, BUT IF SHE WERE GOING TO, I'M PRETTY SURE SHE WOULD HAVE DONE IT AFTER I BLEW OUR CHANCES AND BASICALLY DOOMED US ALL TO SPEND THE REST OF OUR PATHETIC LIVES ON THIS STUPID METEOR. I WOULDN'T HAVE BLAMED HER.  
CG: BUT SHE HASN'T KILLED ME YET, SO I HOPE A REJECTION WON'T SEND HER ON A LONG-OVERDUE KILLING SPREE.  
EB: ...  
EB: what if i helped you, somehow?  
EB: after all, isn't that what friends do?  
CG: WHAT DO YOU MEAN, HELPED?  
EB: you know, talk you through it, maybe talk to her for you, give you advice, warn her not to murder you?  
CG: OH. OH GOD. OH HELL NO. YOU DID NOT JUST OFFER TO AUSPISTICIZE US.  
EB: maybe i did. (what does auspisticize mean?)  
CG: THAT'S RIGHT. YOU DIDN'T KNOW WHAT AN AUSPISTICE WAS. YOU DIDN'T KNOW WHAT YOU WERE SAYING. AND YOU DID NOT, IN FACT, JUST HIT ON ME. WHEW, THAT WAS A CLOSE ONE.  
EB: hit on you? what are you talking about?  
CG: YOU KNOW LITERALLY NOTHING ABOUT THE QUADRANTS, HUH?  
EB: what even are quadrants? you keep mentioning them.  
CG: OF COURSE I KEEP MENTIONING THEM. THEY'RE THE FOUR KINDS OF ROMANCE. AND WHILE YOU MUST NOT HAVE INTENDED IT, YOU WERE SOUNDING A LOT LIKE YOU WANTED TO BE MY AUSPISTICE.  
CG: AND SINCE YOU'RE REALLY CLUELESS ABOUT IT, I GUESS I'LL EXPLAIN WHAT THAT MEANS.  
EB: thank you.  
CG: AN AUSPISTICISM IS BETWEEN THREE PEOPLE, TWO OF WHOM WOULD HATE EACH OTHER, BUT THE THIRD KEEPS THEM FROM THROWING THEMSELVES INTO THE WORLD OF PAIN THAT WOULD COME FROM BEING EACH OTHERS' KISMESES.  
CG: SOMETIMES THE RIVALS WOULD BE UNHEALTHY, LIKE IF THEIR HATE IS TOO STRONG AND THEY'D DESTROY EACH OTHER. OR ONE RIVAL ALREADY HAS A KISMESIS AND THAT KISMESIS DOESN'T WANT TO SHARE. OR ONE RIVAL SIMPLY DOESN'T WANT TO BE WITH THE OTHER, LIKE WHAT YOU AND I AND HER COULD HAVE BEEN. THERE ARE LOTS OF REASONS TO ENTER INTO AN AUSPISTICISM.  
CG: THE AUSPISTICE DOES EXACTLY WHAT YOU JUST OFFERED TO DO.  
EB: and that's romantic to you?  
CG: SAYS THE WEIRD ALIEN WHOSE ONLY ROMANCE IS MATESPRITSHIP.  
EB: ok, ok, so our cultures are wildly different. i can accept that, and i will try to be more culturally sensitive in the future.  
EB: but there's no way that helping your friend get an unwanted admirer off his back, translates to hitting on him!  
CG: WHAT DID I JUST FUCKING SAY. IT'S ROMANCE, WHICH YOU EVIDENTLY STILL DO NOT UNDERSTAND ONE BIT, DESPITE THE EXCELLENT EXPLANATION I JUST GAVE YOU.  
CG: JUST... DON'T GO AROUND OFFERING YOURSELF TO OTHER TROLLS LIKE THAT, OK?  
EB: that sounds really weird, karkat, but i guess i can promise that. 

 

EB: hey, um, karkat?  
CG: THIS IS NOT HOW IT WORKS. I TROLL YOU. YOU DO NOT TROLL ME. YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BEGIN TO HATE ME WITH A PASSION UNLIKE ANY OTHER, AND FOR THAT REASON, AVOID ME. BECAUSE YOU ARE A DUMB HUMAN.  
EB: um.  
CG: OH, FINE. WHAT DO YOU WANT?  
EB: i've been thinking about the things you said.  
CG: WHAT THINGS? THERE HAS BEEN A LOT OF TIME BULLSHIT, AND THERE ARE LOTS OF THINGS I MIGHT HAVE SAID FROM YOUR PERSPECTIVE THAT I HAVEN'T SAID YET FROM MY PERSPECTIVE.  
EB: the stuff about me... auspisticizing you? and the, uh, almost-empress?  
CG: OH. THAT.  
CG: I'VE SAID THAT ALREADY FROM MY PERSPECTIVE, YES. I DON'T KNOW WHY I KEEP THINKING YOU...  
CG: NEVERMIND. WHAT ABOUT IT?  
EB: i think i might want to.  
CG: ...  
EB: i'm serious about it, though!  
CG: EGBERT, I...  
EB: really, karkat, i'll do this.  
EB: it's not that big of a deal, though, is it?  
EB: i'm just helping out a close friend!  
CG: WHAT PART OF THAT SPIEL ABOUT ANTI-FRIENDSHIP DIDN'T YOU GET?  
EB: sorry, sorry.  
EB: i just think that i want to keep her from killing you, that's all.  
CG: YOU HAVE ASHEN FEELINGS FOR ME. AND FEFERI.  
CG: WELL. IT'S A START.  
EB: a start of what?  
CG: A BEAUTIFUL... FRIENDSHIP.  
EB: aww <3  
CG: GET THAT SYMBOL THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY FACE!


End file.
